my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
