ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
