so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
