Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
