Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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