its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
