Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
