So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
