2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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