No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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