You're so nebulous sometimes
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
