You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Randomize
