the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
