tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
