if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
