The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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