I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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