Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
