I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
