Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
