just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
