How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
