You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
