my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
