i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
