Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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