I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
