Where did you get a picture of my penis
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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