Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
