Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
