It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My ATM looks so different sober.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
