Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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