My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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