Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
