Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
