Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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