Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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