I accidentally had phone sex last night
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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