Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
