never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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