I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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