dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
