Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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