just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Found the puke drawer
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
