she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
