ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
