My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
