I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
