I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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