Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
